Sleazyisms
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Frito's ain't no better than Busch beer
So I'm not allowed back into Thriftway Supermarket because of a little altercation I had with the manager the other day. I accused them of price fixing because that's what those sniveling bastards are doing.
Anyway, I was in the potato chip aisle looking for that perfect sidedish for the dinner we were planning at Tina's mom's house. I thought that instead of regular potato chips, I would get some Frito's corn chips - not the off brand in the yellow bag but the real Frito's. Anyways when I go to check out, the Frito's are damn near a dollar more than potato chips would be. Now this is just bullshit and here's why I know it. Busch beer is cheaper than other beers and the reason they told me on the mobile brewery tour that came to the county fair last year is that Busch beer is made from corn. Now the last time I checked Frito's are made from corn too. You do the math, corn should equal cheaper. Well, I called the manager over and explained to him why his price on the chips was bullshit and he, of course, asked me to put on shoes next time I come to the store and then said there was nothing he could do about the price. We all know that's a load - he's probably making a killing off of all the extra dollars he's pulling in from the inflated Frito's price - I saw that Taurus he drives in the parking lot. Anyways, I explained to him that corn chips ain't just for the priveledged and his price fixing was taking food from my kids mouths. Well, he asked me to do the rest of my shopping elsewhere - so I did what anyone would do, I threw the bag of high-priced Fritos right at him, took off my shirt and told him to make me. Well, he threatened to call the police and Ray at Ray's Tire and Lube frowns upon his employees having altercations with the law. So for the sake of my career, I fought the urge to kick some ass and left.
If you're going to shop, stay away from Thriftway, every extra dollar they get you for is going right into that manager's pocket. If you don't believe he's living big off of their little scam, go check out his Taurus in the parking lot and you tell me he's not living high on the hog off of us. ¶ 1:44 PM 4 comments
Anyway, I was in the potato chip aisle looking for that perfect sidedish for the dinner we were planning at Tina's mom's house. I thought that instead of regular potato chips, I would get some Frito's corn chips - not the off brand in the yellow bag but the real Frito's. Anyways when I go to check out, the Frito's are damn near a dollar more than potato chips would be. Now this is just bullshit and here's why I know it. Busch beer is cheaper than other beers and the reason they told me on the mobile brewery tour that came to the county fair last year is that Busch beer is made from corn. Now the last time I checked Frito's are made from corn too. You do the math, corn should equal cheaper. Well, I called the manager over and explained to him why his price on the chips was bullshit and he, of course, asked me to put on shoes next time I come to the store and then said there was nothing he could do about the price. We all know that's a load - he's probably making a killing off of all the extra dollars he's pulling in from the inflated Frito's price - I saw that Taurus he drives in the parking lot. Anyways, I explained to him that corn chips ain't just for the priveledged and his price fixing was taking food from my kids mouths. Well, he asked me to do the rest of my shopping elsewhere - so I did what anyone would do, I threw the bag of high-priced Fritos right at him, took off my shirt and told him to make me. Well, he threatened to call the police and Ray at Ray's Tire and Lube frowns upon his employees having altercations with the law. So for the sake of my career, I fought the urge to kick some ass and left.
If you're going to shop, stay away from Thriftway, every extra dollar they get you for is going right into that manager's pocket. If you don't believe he's living big off of their little scam, go check out his Taurus in the parking lot and you tell me he's not living high on the hog off of us. ¶ 1:44 PM 4 comments
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Uppity banks need signs
We ran out of bologna the other day and the kids drank all the damn Kool-Ade so after I got in from Ray's Tire and Lube I decided to drag my tired ass down to Ramey's supermarket. It had been a long day at the garage and Ray and I had decided to work late and we ended polishing off the better part of a 30 pack of Bud Dry we found in a customer's car earlier that day. It was getting damn near 11:00 at night. By the time I made it to Ramey's I really had to piss and besides that the store had closed. The only place open to buy bologna and Kool-Ade was the Cash and Dash convenience store up the street. Now this presented a little bit of a problem for me. I'm not one who carries a lot of cash on me, no I rely more on my food stamp card when heading to the grocery store. Cash and Dash is not an establishment that accepts food stamp cards. I could have written a check but Cash and Dash is also an establishment that does not accept a check from you if they already have one of your previous checkes taped up to the register. Being the good father I am I couldn't stand to think of my three little shits going a day without Kool-Ade, also I didn't want them drinking my beer so a solution had to be found. When I stopped in a parking lot to relieve my aching bladder, I saw what made sense. A bank had put one of them ATM machines out in the parking lot. I don't know if you are familiar or not but food stamps now are not given in actual currency like they used to be - something about not wanting me to be able to sell them to people in order to by my beer with the money or something, Uncle Sam always wants to screw the little guy. Anyways, food stamps are now given to you in a little card that, I guess, looks like a credit card or something. (Banks don't give me too much made of plastic unless I steal the pen from the counter.) Well I walked up the ATM machine to get a little advance on my Uncle Sam grocery allowance. I put my card in where it said to and it asked me for a PIN. I put in 69 like anyone would and hit enter and the machine told me to reenter my PIN so I put in 69 again, this went on a few more times until the machine explained to me that this was not valid and that it was keeping my card. This is not a good thing - with my current cash deficiency I am quite reliable on that card.
Being mechanically inclined as I am, I always have a set of plyers in the Riviera so I took them out and decided to free my card from the slot. The long nose didn't exactly fit into the slot but with a little extra effort I was able to expand the opening until I got ahold of something and proceeded to pull out what many would call "computer parts." Where that sucker had hidden my card - I will never know but it sure as hell was well out of reach of my long nosed plyers. Needless to say the kids didn't get their Kool-Ade and I didn't get my fried bologna breakfast before heading to Ray's Tire and Lube the next morning.
It was 11:00 in the AM and I had not been at work for more than 20 minutes when Ray came in and told me I had a phone call - it was from the bank that owned that ATM machine and they were wanting to talk to me about getting my card back. Since it was near lunch-time anyway I ran on up to bank and that's where I encountered Kim the uppity bank teller.
Now I respect higher education and the prestige of a high school diploma as much as anyone - that's why I'm so proud of Tina for sticking it out all five years of high school. But there is a point where these academics just try to flaunt it in front of us regular Joe's. Kim the bank teller proceeded to tell me that while they were giving me my card back, I was responsible for damage to thier ATM machine. When I explained how the machine was defective in not letting me grab my card with my plyers she got all high falutin' talking about video evidence of me breaking their money machine. (What really got me is that I went to eigth grade with Kim and she acted like she didn't remember me which is bullshit because I was the only 17 year old that asked her out that year. I'll tell you, four years of high school changes people.) Apparently, there's a little camera in those ATMs. Well they told me their attorney would get ahold of me and that's just bullshit because I offered to write them a check for everything right there but you would have thought they already had one taped up on their cash register like Cash and Dash.
So we ain't going to be answering our phones or doors in the Scott's household for awhile. If the bank's lawyer is anything like the vet's lawyer, he gives up after a couple of months. You just have to wait him out.
The point of the story is, Cash and Dash has a sign saying they don't take food stamp cards - shouldn't an ATM machine? Those uppity banks are always in it to put the screws on the little guy. ¶ 11:40 PM 0 comments
Being mechanically inclined as I am, I always have a set of plyers in the Riviera so I took them out and decided to free my card from the slot. The long nose didn't exactly fit into the slot but with a little extra effort I was able to expand the opening until I got ahold of something and proceeded to pull out what many would call "computer parts." Where that sucker had hidden my card - I will never know but it sure as hell was well out of reach of my long nosed plyers. Needless to say the kids didn't get their Kool-Ade and I didn't get my fried bologna breakfast before heading to Ray's Tire and Lube the next morning.
It was 11:00 in the AM and I had not been at work for more than 20 minutes when Ray came in and told me I had a phone call - it was from the bank that owned that ATM machine and they were wanting to talk to me about getting my card back. Since it was near lunch-time anyway I ran on up to bank and that's where I encountered Kim the uppity bank teller.
Now I respect higher education and the prestige of a high school diploma as much as anyone - that's why I'm so proud of Tina for sticking it out all five years of high school. But there is a point where these academics just try to flaunt it in front of us regular Joe's. Kim the bank teller proceeded to tell me that while they were giving me my card back, I was responsible for damage to thier ATM machine. When I explained how the machine was defective in not letting me grab my card with my plyers she got all high falutin' talking about video evidence of me breaking their money machine. (What really got me is that I went to eigth grade with Kim and she acted like she didn't remember me which is bullshit because I was the only 17 year old that asked her out that year. I'll tell you, four years of high school changes people.) Apparently, there's a little camera in those ATMs. Well they told me their attorney would get ahold of me and that's just bullshit because I offered to write them a check for everything right there but you would have thought they already had one taped up on their cash register like Cash and Dash.
So we ain't going to be answering our phones or doors in the Scott's household for awhile. If the bank's lawyer is anything like the vet's lawyer, he gives up after a couple of months. You just have to wait him out.
The point of the story is, Cash and Dash has a sign saying they don't take food stamp cards - shouldn't an ATM machine? Those uppity banks are always in it to put the screws on the little guy. ¶ 11:40 PM 0 comments
Don't mess with Tina's momma's llama
Well I didn't get to the kids quick enough after Tina and mine's night of romantacism and those three boys must have put that poor llama through hell at Tina's mom's place. When we got there the damn thing couldn't walk straight and would shit every time he heard a car drive by. I'll tell you, those boys of mine sure can be a handful.
Anyways, I had to get this thing to the vet again. Now a llama ain't something you can just put in the backseat of your car and haul up the street - especially if he's shitting everytime he hears a car drive by. He wasn't coming near the Riviera. So the other day at work we had someone leave their Astro Van overnight so's that we could get to it first thing the next morning. I put two and two together and saw a solution to my predicament. Being assistant lube specialist and all I got access to every key we have in Ray's so I told Ray (no relation to yours truly) that I was going to take the van overnight so I could drive it and be sure the brakes and what-nots weren't in need of any repair. Ray told me that was a good idea and it was thinking like that that would make me lube specialist before I knew it.
Well I called the vet and he agreed to meet me at his office that evening so I swung by Tina's mom's place and crammed the llama in the van through the back door. (Those Astro Vans sure are roomy, they could easily accomodate two llamas.)
The trip to the vet started off just fine, I took a road that not too many people use and actually made it to the vet without passing any cars. The llama must have been pretty comfortable in his Astro Van surroundings because he didn't want to get out so the vet examined him right there and said that the fur would start growing back in a couple of weeks and he just needed a few days away from any stress. He gave me a few llama pills and I suckered him into billing me later. (I said I forgot my checkbook and to my surprise he was happy I couldn't write him a check.) Well with the doctoring over, it was time to make the way home. This is where it got a little hairy.
As soon as I pulled out of the vet's driveway, a big tractor trailer blew past me and sent the llama into a fit. I've never heard a llama scream but this one did as he put his back leg through the Astro Van's back window and commenced to shitting everywhere. (I don't know what those boys did to that llama but that llama was more paranoid than my wife at a sobriety check point.) I pulled the van over as quick as I could and tried to shove one of them llama pills the vet give me down his throat but he didn't want none of it. I remembered growing up that we used to trick our dog into taking pills by wrapping them in food so I thought I'd give it a try. I didn't have any food so I took a few pinches of Redman and wrapped the pill in it and put it in the llama's mouth. I held his mouth shut until he swallowed and then proceeded home. Now it don't say nothing about this on the Redman pouch but I don't think that shit mixes with llama pills because no more than two miles down the road the llama was hacking and puking all over the back of the Astro Van. I would have stopped but I figured it was probably best to get the llama back to Tina's mom's as quick as possible so I stepped on it to send that llama on down the other side. As soon as I hit the gas and revved up that Astro Van engine, I guess the llama thought it was a car driving past and he shit again.
Now anyone who's ever been in an Astro Van full of llama shit and vomit knows it ain't a pleasant experience. By the time I got back to Tina's mom's place the llama was dead tired (from all the shitting I guess) and he had taken to laying on his side not doing nothing. After tuggin on him for a few minutes it became apparent that I wasn't going to get that llama out of the Astro Van on my own. I called Tina's momma out to see if she could coax him out but the sucker was plum tired and he needed to rest a little while. So we let him rest and went inside and had a beer and watched a little Wheel of Fortune. Afterwards we went back outside and the llama was definately ready to get out of the van, he had kicked out the other back window and chewed open the front seat. Just as I was getting the Astro Van door open, Tina pulled up in the Riviera and caused the damn llama to shit one last time. As soon as the door opened the llama made a bee-line for his pasture.
With the llama taken care of, I had to figure out what to do with the Astro Van. I did notice as I was driving it back to Ray's that it was pulling to the right a little bit and we should probably check the brakes and rotors but with the awful smell in there, I sure as hell didn't want to work on it. When I got to Ray's that night Ray was still there. I explained what happened to the Astro Van and that it was pulling to the right a little bit and Ray told me not to worry about it. He said that a couple years ago the Better Business Bureau started telling customers who complained to them about us that it was their own fault for trusting us with their vehicles. He told me to relax and we had a couple of beers and watched Cops on the TV there in the garage while I waited for Tina to pick me up.
I guess you can imagine how pissed the customer was the next day when he came in to get his Astro Van. We explained to him that if he wants us to work on his vehicles that he needs to clean them out, we don't work in filth. He called the police and we told the police that we woudln't work on a vehicle as nasty as his Astro Van so the police impounded it because the dumbass refused to move it until we paid him for it. Some people can be real pricks. The llama is doing all right though. The fur is growing back and he only shits when a really loud car drives by. While it all seems to have turned out for the best, I don't think I'm going to take the llama in any more Astro Vans from here on out. ¶ 2:19 PM 1 comments
Anyways, I had to get this thing to the vet again. Now a llama ain't something you can just put in the backseat of your car and haul up the street - especially if he's shitting everytime he hears a car drive by. He wasn't coming near the Riviera. So the other day at work we had someone leave their Astro Van overnight so's that we could get to it first thing the next morning. I put two and two together and saw a solution to my predicament. Being assistant lube specialist and all I got access to every key we have in Ray's so I told Ray (no relation to yours truly) that I was going to take the van overnight so I could drive it and be sure the brakes and what-nots weren't in need of any repair. Ray told me that was a good idea and it was thinking like that that would make me lube specialist before I knew it.
Well I called the vet and he agreed to meet me at his office that evening so I swung by Tina's mom's place and crammed the llama in the van through the back door. (Those Astro Vans sure are roomy, they could easily accomodate two llamas.)
The trip to the vet started off just fine, I took a road that not too many people use and actually made it to the vet without passing any cars. The llama must have been pretty comfortable in his Astro Van surroundings because he didn't want to get out so the vet examined him right there and said that the fur would start growing back in a couple of weeks and he just needed a few days away from any stress. He gave me a few llama pills and I suckered him into billing me later. (I said I forgot my checkbook and to my surprise he was happy I couldn't write him a check.) Well with the doctoring over, it was time to make the way home. This is where it got a little hairy.
As soon as I pulled out of the vet's driveway, a big tractor trailer blew past me and sent the llama into a fit. I've never heard a llama scream but this one did as he put his back leg through the Astro Van's back window and commenced to shitting everywhere. (I don't know what those boys did to that llama but that llama was more paranoid than my wife at a sobriety check point.) I pulled the van over as quick as I could and tried to shove one of them llama pills the vet give me down his throat but he didn't want none of it. I remembered growing up that we used to trick our dog into taking pills by wrapping them in food so I thought I'd give it a try. I didn't have any food so I took a few pinches of Redman and wrapped the pill in it and put it in the llama's mouth. I held his mouth shut until he swallowed and then proceeded home. Now it don't say nothing about this on the Redman pouch but I don't think that shit mixes with llama pills because no more than two miles down the road the llama was hacking and puking all over the back of the Astro Van. I would have stopped but I figured it was probably best to get the llama back to Tina's mom's as quick as possible so I stepped on it to send that llama on down the other side. As soon as I hit the gas and revved up that Astro Van engine, I guess the llama thought it was a car driving past and he shit again.
Now anyone who's ever been in an Astro Van full of llama shit and vomit knows it ain't a pleasant experience. By the time I got back to Tina's mom's place the llama was dead tired (from all the shitting I guess) and he had taken to laying on his side not doing nothing. After tuggin on him for a few minutes it became apparent that I wasn't going to get that llama out of the Astro Van on my own. I called Tina's momma out to see if she could coax him out but the sucker was plum tired and he needed to rest a little while. So we let him rest and went inside and had a beer and watched a little Wheel of Fortune. Afterwards we went back outside and the llama was definately ready to get out of the van, he had kicked out the other back window and chewed open the front seat. Just as I was getting the Astro Van door open, Tina pulled up in the Riviera and caused the damn llama to shit one last time. As soon as the door opened the llama made a bee-line for his pasture.
With the llama taken care of, I had to figure out what to do with the Astro Van. I did notice as I was driving it back to Ray's that it was pulling to the right a little bit and we should probably check the brakes and rotors but with the awful smell in there, I sure as hell didn't want to work on it. When I got to Ray's that night Ray was still there. I explained what happened to the Astro Van and that it was pulling to the right a little bit and Ray told me not to worry about it. He said that a couple years ago the Better Business Bureau started telling customers who complained to them about us that it was their own fault for trusting us with their vehicles. He told me to relax and we had a couple of beers and watched Cops on the TV there in the garage while I waited for Tina to pick me up.
I guess you can imagine how pissed the customer was the next day when he came in to get his Astro Van. We explained to him that if he wants us to work on his vehicles that he needs to clean them out, we don't work in filth. He called the police and we told the police that we woudln't work on a vehicle as nasty as his Astro Van so the police impounded it because the dumbass refused to move it until we paid him for it. Some people can be real pricks. The llama is doing all right though. The fur is growing back and he only shits when a really loud car drives by. While it all seems to have turned out for the best, I don't think I'm going to take the llama in any more Astro Vans from here on out. ¶ 2:19 PM 1 comments
Father's Day
Well my little ones sure surprised the hell out of me this last Suday. Even the one that we're not too sure whether or not he's mine. (He's really taken a shine to me since I quit calling him Lil' Bastard as a nickname.)
Anyway those three boys got together and surprised me with one of them t-shirts that says "Fuck you you fucking fuck" on it like the one we saw some guy wearing last year at the tractor pull at the county fair. To top it off they cut the sleaves off just like I like and wrapped a pouch of Redman longcut inside of it. I would ask where the little bastards got the money for all of this but with it being father's day and all I figured I'd better leave it alone because if I knew I'd probably have to beat the ever-living shit out of them and that would ruin the whole spirit of the occassion. ¶ 2:09 PM 0 comments
Anyway those three boys got together and surprised me with one of them t-shirts that says "Fuck you you fucking fuck" on it like the one we saw some guy wearing last year at the tractor pull at the county fair. To top it off they cut the sleaves off just like I like and wrapped a pouch of Redman longcut inside of it. I would ask where the little bastards got the money for all of this but with it being father's day and all I figured I'd better leave it alone because if I knew I'd probably have to beat the ever-living shit out of them and that would ruin the whole spirit of the occassion. ¶ 2:09 PM 0 comments
The wife's birthday
So the wife finally turned 17 last weekend. Anyways, we decide to drop the kids off at her mom's house because with my youngest being allergic to the smell of ammonia we can't leave him at my step brother's any more. Besides Tina's mom has an electric fence and a llama in the back that the kids just can't get enough of.
Before we went out, I got real romantic and picked up the engraved bracelet I had on lay-away at Wal-Mart. It's a real nice piece of jewelry - genuine gold plated with the engraving "Tina = Hot" on it. (I've already told her she can't wear it out alone, I don't want anything to happen to her on account of someone robbing her for it.) Well, we go to Sonic Drive-In where I met her and fell in love three years ago. After splitting an order of cheddar bites and a cheese tater tots we headed over to Blockbuster to take in a movie. Now you don't have to rent movies at Blockbuster, they're always playing them on those screens throughout the store (the new releases too so you don't have to pay extra.) So we watched Hitched sitting in the comedy aisle. After the movie was over, I gave her the bracelet and she decided the kids should probably remain at her mom's for the rest of the night - if you know what I mean. Well, I didn't waste no time getting back to the homestead where we damn near knocked the trailer clean off the cinder blocks if you follow me.
Well, the next morning I had to get up early to get to work and drop Tina off for her yearbook committee meeting - she's really going to make it someday, that's why she's the apple of my eye.
A couple of days later we realized the kids were still at Tina's mom's place - I've got to go pick them up tomorrow before I have to pay for another vet appointment for the llama. Those llamas sure do get stressed-out easy. ¶ 2:54 AM 0 comments
Before we went out, I got real romantic and picked up the engraved bracelet I had on lay-away at Wal-Mart. It's a real nice piece of jewelry - genuine gold plated with the engraving "Tina = Hot" on it. (I've already told her she can't wear it out alone, I don't want anything to happen to her on account of someone robbing her for it.) Well, we go to Sonic Drive-In where I met her and fell in love three years ago. After splitting an order of cheddar bites and a cheese tater tots we headed over to Blockbuster to take in a movie. Now you don't have to rent movies at Blockbuster, they're always playing them on those screens throughout the store (the new releases too so you don't have to pay extra.) So we watched Hitched sitting in the comedy aisle. After the movie was over, I gave her the bracelet and she decided the kids should probably remain at her mom's for the rest of the night - if you know what I mean. Well, I didn't waste no time getting back to the homestead where we damn near knocked the trailer clean off the cinder blocks if you follow me.
Well, the next morning I had to get up early to get to work and drop Tina off for her yearbook committee meeting - she's really going to make it someday, that's why she's the apple of my eye.
A couple of days later we realized the kids were still at Tina's mom's place - I've got to go pick them up tomorrow before I have to pay for another vet appointment for the llama. Those llamas sure do get stressed-out easy. ¶ 2:54 AM 0 comments
High falutin' bouncers
You can get tossed from strip clubs for the damndest things. Four quarters equals a dollar, right? So what's all the commotion about?
¶ 2:13 AM 0 comments
