Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Don't mess with Tina's momma's llama
Well I didn't get to the kids quick enough after Tina and mine's night of romantacism and those three boys must have put that poor llama through hell at Tina's mom's place. When we got there the damn thing couldn't walk straight and would shit every time he heard a car drive by. I'll tell you, those boys of mine sure can be a handful.
Anyways, I had to get this thing to the vet again. Now a llama ain't something you can just put in the backseat of your car and haul up the street - especially if he's shitting everytime he hears a car drive by. He wasn't coming near the Riviera. So the other day at work we had someone leave their Astro Van overnight so's that we could get to it first thing the next morning. I put two and two together and saw a solution to my predicament. Being assistant lube specialist and all I got access to every key we have in Ray's so I told Ray (no relation to yours truly) that I was going to take the van overnight so I could drive it and be sure the brakes and what-nots weren't in need of any repair. Ray told me that was a good idea and it was thinking like that that would make me lube specialist before I knew it.
Well I called the vet and he agreed to meet me at his office that evening so I swung by Tina's mom's place and crammed the llama in the van through the back door. (Those Astro Vans sure are roomy, they could easily accomodate two llamas.)
The trip to the vet started off just fine, I took a road that not too many people use and actually made it to the vet without passing any cars. The llama must have been pretty comfortable in his Astro Van surroundings because he didn't want to get out so the vet examined him right there and said that the fur would start growing back in a couple of weeks and he just needed a few days away from any stress. He gave me a few llama pills and I suckered him into billing me later. (I said I forgot my checkbook and to my surprise he was happy I couldn't write him a check.) Well with the doctoring over, it was time to make the way home. This is where it got a little hairy.
As soon as I pulled out of the vet's driveway, a big tractor trailer blew past me and sent the llama into a fit. I've never heard a llama scream but this one did as he put his back leg through the Astro Van's back window and commenced to shitting everywhere. (I don't know what those boys did to that llama but that llama was more paranoid than my wife at a sobriety check point.) I pulled the van over as quick as I could and tried to shove one of them llama pills the vet give me down his throat but he didn't want none of it. I remembered growing up that we used to trick our dog into taking pills by wrapping them in food so I thought I'd give it a try. I didn't have any food so I took a few pinches of Redman and wrapped the pill in it and put it in the llama's mouth. I held his mouth shut until he swallowed and then proceeded home. Now it don't say nothing about this on the Redman pouch but I don't think that shit mixes with llama pills because no more than two miles down the road the llama was hacking and puking all over the back of the Astro Van. I would have stopped but I figured it was probably best to get the llama back to Tina's mom's as quick as possible so I stepped on it to send that llama on down the other side. As soon as I hit the gas and revved up that Astro Van engine, I guess the llama thought it was a car driving past and he shit again.
Now anyone who's ever been in an Astro Van full of llama shit and vomit knows it ain't a pleasant experience. By the time I got back to Tina's mom's place the llama was dead tired (from all the shitting I guess) and he had taken to laying on his side not doing nothing. After tuggin on him for a few minutes it became apparent that I wasn't going to get that llama out of the Astro Van on my own. I called Tina's momma out to see if she could coax him out but the sucker was plum tired and he needed to rest a little while. So we let him rest and went inside and had a beer and watched a little Wheel of Fortune. Afterwards we went back outside and the llama was definately ready to get out of the van, he had kicked out the other back window and chewed open the front seat. Just as I was getting the Astro Van door open, Tina pulled up in the Riviera and caused the damn llama to shit one last time. As soon as the door opened the llama made a bee-line for his pasture.
With the llama taken care of, I had to figure out what to do with the Astro Van. I did notice as I was driving it back to Ray's that it was pulling to the right a little bit and we should probably check the brakes and rotors but with the awful smell in there, I sure as hell didn't want to work on it. When I got to Ray's that night Ray was still there. I explained what happened to the Astro Van and that it was pulling to the right a little bit and Ray told me not to worry about it. He said that a couple years ago the Better Business Bureau started telling customers who complained to them about us that it was their own fault for trusting us with their vehicles. He told me to relax and we had a couple of beers and watched Cops on the TV there in the garage while I waited for Tina to pick me up.
I guess you can imagine how pissed the customer was the next day when he came in to get his Astro Van. We explained to him that if he wants us to work on his vehicles that he needs to clean them out, we don't work in filth. He called the police and we told the police that we woudln't work on a vehicle as nasty as his Astro Van so the police impounded it because the dumbass refused to move it until we paid him for it. Some people can be real pricks. The llama is doing all right though. The fur is growing back and he only shits when a really loud car drives by. While it all seems to have turned out for the best, I don't think I'm going to take the llama in any more Astro Vans from here on out. ¶ 2:19 PM
Anyways, I had to get this thing to the vet again. Now a llama ain't something you can just put in the backseat of your car and haul up the street - especially if he's shitting everytime he hears a car drive by. He wasn't coming near the Riviera. So the other day at work we had someone leave their Astro Van overnight so's that we could get to it first thing the next morning. I put two and two together and saw a solution to my predicament. Being assistant lube specialist and all I got access to every key we have in Ray's so I told Ray (no relation to yours truly) that I was going to take the van overnight so I could drive it and be sure the brakes and what-nots weren't in need of any repair. Ray told me that was a good idea and it was thinking like that that would make me lube specialist before I knew it.
Well I called the vet and he agreed to meet me at his office that evening so I swung by Tina's mom's place and crammed the llama in the van through the back door. (Those Astro Vans sure are roomy, they could easily accomodate two llamas.)
The trip to the vet started off just fine, I took a road that not too many people use and actually made it to the vet without passing any cars. The llama must have been pretty comfortable in his Astro Van surroundings because he didn't want to get out so the vet examined him right there and said that the fur would start growing back in a couple of weeks and he just needed a few days away from any stress. He gave me a few llama pills and I suckered him into billing me later. (I said I forgot my checkbook and to my surprise he was happy I couldn't write him a check.) Well with the doctoring over, it was time to make the way home. This is where it got a little hairy.
As soon as I pulled out of the vet's driveway, a big tractor trailer blew past me and sent the llama into a fit. I've never heard a llama scream but this one did as he put his back leg through the Astro Van's back window and commenced to shitting everywhere. (I don't know what those boys did to that llama but that llama was more paranoid than my wife at a sobriety check point.) I pulled the van over as quick as I could and tried to shove one of them llama pills the vet give me down his throat but he didn't want none of it. I remembered growing up that we used to trick our dog into taking pills by wrapping them in food so I thought I'd give it a try. I didn't have any food so I took a few pinches of Redman and wrapped the pill in it and put it in the llama's mouth. I held his mouth shut until he swallowed and then proceeded home. Now it don't say nothing about this on the Redman pouch but I don't think that shit mixes with llama pills because no more than two miles down the road the llama was hacking and puking all over the back of the Astro Van. I would have stopped but I figured it was probably best to get the llama back to Tina's mom's as quick as possible so I stepped on it to send that llama on down the other side. As soon as I hit the gas and revved up that Astro Van engine, I guess the llama thought it was a car driving past and he shit again.
Now anyone who's ever been in an Astro Van full of llama shit and vomit knows it ain't a pleasant experience. By the time I got back to Tina's mom's place the llama was dead tired (from all the shitting I guess) and he had taken to laying on his side not doing nothing. After tuggin on him for a few minutes it became apparent that I wasn't going to get that llama out of the Astro Van on my own. I called Tina's momma out to see if she could coax him out but the sucker was plum tired and he needed to rest a little while. So we let him rest and went inside and had a beer and watched a little Wheel of Fortune. Afterwards we went back outside and the llama was definately ready to get out of the van, he had kicked out the other back window and chewed open the front seat. Just as I was getting the Astro Van door open, Tina pulled up in the Riviera and caused the damn llama to shit one last time. As soon as the door opened the llama made a bee-line for his pasture.
With the llama taken care of, I had to figure out what to do with the Astro Van. I did notice as I was driving it back to Ray's that it was pulling to the right a little bit and we should probably check the brakes and rotors but with the awful smell in there, I sure as hell didn't want to work on it. When I got to Ray's that night Ray was still there. I explained what happened to the Astro Van and that it was pulling to the right a little bit and Ray told me not to worry about it. He said that a couple years ago the Better Business Bureau started telling customers who complained to them about us that it was their own fault for trusting us with their vehicles. He told me to relax and we had a couple of beers and watched Cops on the TV there in the garage while I waited for Tina to pick me up.
I guess you can imagine how pissed the customer was the next day when he came in to get his Astro Van. We explained to him that if he wants us to work on his vehicles that he needs to clean them out, we don't work in filth. He called the police and we told the police that we woudln't work on a vehicle as nasty as his Astro Van so the police impounded it because the dumbass refused to move it until we paid him for it. Some people can be real pricks. The llama is doing all right though. The fur is growing back and he only shits when a really loud car drives by. While it all seems to have turned out for the best, I don't think I'm going to take the llama in any more Astro Vans from here on out. ¶ 2:19 PM
