Uppity banks need signs We ran out of bologna the other day and the kids drank all the damn Kool-Ade so after I got in from Ray's Tire and Lube I decided to drag my tired ass down to Ramey's supermarket. It had been a long day at the garage and Ray and I had decided to work late and we ended polishing off the better part of a 30 pack of Bud Dry we found in a customer's car earlier that day. It was getting damn near 11:00 at night. By the time I made it to Ramey's I really had to piss and besides that the store had closed. The only place open to buy bologna and Kool-Ade was the Cash and Dash convenience store up the street. Now this presented a little bit of a problem for me. I'm not one who carries a lot of cash on me, no I rely more on my food stamp card when heading to the grocery store. Cash and Dash is not an establishment that accepts food stamp cards. I could have written a check but Cash and Dash is also an establishment that does not accept a check from you if they already have one of your previous checkes taped up to the register. Being the good father I am I couldn't stand to think of my three little shits going a day without Kool-Ade, also I didn't want them drinking my beer so a solution had to be found. When I stopped in a parking lot to relieve my aching bladder, I saw what made sense. A bank had put one of them ATM machines out in the parking lot. I don't know if you are familiar or not but food stamps now are not given in actual currency like they used to be - something about not wanting me to be able to sell them to people in order to by my beer with the money or something, Uncle Sam always wants to screw the little guy. Anyways, food stamps are now given to you in a little card that, I guess, looks like a credit card or something. (Banks don't give me too much made of plastic unless I steal the pen from the counter.) Well I walked up the ATM machine to get a little advance on my Uncle Sam grocery allowance. I put my card in where it said to and it asked me for a PIN. I put in 69 like anyone would and hit enter and the machine told me to reenter my PIN so I put in 69 again, this went on a few more times until the machine explained to me that this was not valid and that it was keeping my card. This is not a good thing - with my current cash deficiency I am quite reliable on that card.
Being mechanically inclined as I am, I always have a set of plyers in the Riviera so I took them out and decided to free my card from the slot. The long nose didn't exactly fit into the slot but with a little extra effort I was able to expand the opening until I got ahold of something and proceeded to pull out what many would call "computer parts." Where that sucker had hidden my card - I will never know but it sure as hell was well out of reach of my long nosed plyers. Needless to say the kids didn't get their Kool-Ade and I didn't get my fried bologna breakfast before heading to Ray's Tire and Lube the next morning.
It was 11:00 in the AM and I had not been at work for more than 20 minutes when Ray came in and told me I had a phone call - it was from the bank that owned that ATM machine and they were wanting to talk to me about getting my card back. Since it was near lunch-time anyway I ran on up to bank and that's where I encountered Kim the uppity bank teller.
Now I respect higher education and the prestige of a high school diploma as much as anyone - that's why I'm so proud of Tina for sticking it out all five years of high school. But there is a point where these academics just try to flaunt it in front of us regular Joe's. Kim the bank teller proceeded to tell me that while they were giving me my card back, I was responsible for damage to thier ATM machine. When I explained how the machine was defective in not letting me grab my card with my plyers she got all high falutin' talking about video evidence of me breaking their money machine. (What really got me is that I went to eigth grade with Kim and she acted like she didn't remember me which is bullshit because I was the only 17 year old that asked her out that year. I'll tell you, four years of high school changes people.) Apparently, there's a little camera in those ATMs. Well they told me their attorney would get ahold of me and that's just bullshit because I offered to write them a check for everything right there but you would have thought they already had one taped up on their cash register like Cash and Dash.
So we ain't going to be answering our phones or doors in the Scott's household for awhile. If the bank's lawyer is anything like the vet's lawyer, he gives up after a couple of months. You just have to wait him out.
The point of the story is, Cash and Dash has a sign saying they don't take food stamp cards - shouldn't an ATM machine? Those uppity banks are always in it to put the screws on the little guy.  ¶ 11:40 PM